Category Archives: Weekly jokes

Weekly Jokes (20/2/12)

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The Warden
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked the boy, ‘Where did you get that turkey?’
The boy replied, ‘What turkey?’
The game warden said, ‘That turkey you’re carrying under your arm.’
The boy looks down and said, ‘Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!’
The game warden said, ‘Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I’m going to do to you.
If you break his leg, I’m gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I’ll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I’ll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?’
The little boy said, ‘I guess I’ll just kiss his ass and let him go!’
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Weekly Blonde Jokes (19/2/12)

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Twins
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy!
I didn’t know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, ‘what the heck’, and I started jumping up and down along with her.
She said, ‘I have some really great news!’
I said, ‘Great. Tell me why you’re so happy.’
She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant.
I knew she’d been trying for a while so I told her, ‘That’s great I couldn’t be happier for you!’
Then she said, ‘There’s more’
I asked, What do you mean there’s more. She said, ‘Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!’
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, ‘Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam’s Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!
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Weekly Jokes (13/2/12)

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Careful what you say
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
“Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball… stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. “That’s when I made my mistake.”
“What did you do?” asks the doctor.
“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!”
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Weekly Blonde Jokes (12/2/12)

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Air-plane problems
There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says “If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day”
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Weekly Jokes (6/2/12)

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Twins
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal”. The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan.
Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
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Weekly Jokes (30/1/12)

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Not so smart hunter
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
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Weekly Blonde Jokes (29/1/12)

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Workers need something different
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.”
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get Burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.”
The blonde opened his lunch and said, “Polony again! If I get a polony sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too.”
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burritos, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the polony and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife was weeping.She said, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!”
The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated Burritos so much.”
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife. The blonde’s wife said,
“Don’t look at me. He makes his own lunch”
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Weekly Jokes (23/1/12)

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Last week’s Weekly Jokes are here.
Next week’s are here.

Vow of Silence
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”
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Weekly Blonde Jokes (22/1/12)

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Last week’s Weekly Blonde Jokes can be found here.

Is The Coast Clear?
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning, the wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said,” How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!” and hung up.

The husband said, “Who was that?” The wife said, “I don’t know, some
young woman wanting to know ‘if the coast is clear.”
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