A frightened tourists stops and asks the guide: “Are there any bats in this cave?”
The guide replies: “No, there isn’t actually”, the tourist feels a little relieved, “well, there used to be, but the snakes ate all of them!”
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A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As a NZ Policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, ‘I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policemen’s Ball.’
He replied, ‘New Zealand Policemen don’t have balls.’
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he’d just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
A cabbie picks up a Nun and she gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: ‘I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.’
She answers, ‘My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.’
‘Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.’
She responds, ‘Well, let’s see what we can do about that… 1, you have to be single and 2, you must be Catholic.’
The cab driver is very excited and says, ‘Yes, I’m single and Catholic!’
‘OK’ the nun says. ‘Pull into the next alley.’
The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying…
‘My dear child,’ says the nun, ‘why are you crying?’
‘Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.’
The nun says, ‘That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a fancy dress party
So this Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Queensland farm and talks with an old farmer. He tells the farmer,
I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.
The old farmer says, ‘Okay, but don’t go in that paddock over there.’
The Water representative says, ‘Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?’
The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and sees the Water Rep running for his life. And close behind is the farmer’s bull. The bull is gaining with every step.
The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs……
‘Your card! Show him your card!’
Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but
I have some bad news, the donkey died.’
Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’
Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’
The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’
Chuck said, ‘Sure I can. Just watch me.. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’
Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.’
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’
Chuck now works for the government.
1) That is not right…..Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?…..Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP…..Kum Hia Nao
5) Small Horse…..Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?…..Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table…..Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift…..Chin Tu Fat
9) It is very dark in here…..Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet…..Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone…..No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week…..Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight…..Lei Ying Lo
14) He is cleaning his automobile…..Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive…..Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great…..Fa Kin Su Pah